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| WHAT IS BEYONCEITIS? Beyonceitis is the destruction of your career by the overall power of Beyonce Knowles. Beyonceitis is a serious disease that has destroyed the careers of several artists although a few have been able to have successful careers in spite of it. Beyonceitis is also used to describe the overall domination of popular culture by Beyonce Knowles. Beyonceitis is most severe on artists who attempt to release albums around the same time as Beyonce or perform on the same award shows as Beyonce. Doing so has resulted in the embarrassment of several female artists. Some describe it as Beyonce being overexposed, or as Beyonce having a monopoly on the music game, but truthfully if you are a good enough performer you would shine regardless of who else you are in competition with. Beyonceitis is a problem that embarrasses a lot of people. No one wants to admit that one person has caused so much destruction. No one wants to admit that one person has bitch-slapped (with her ring hand) the entire music industry. If you suffer from Beyonceitis do not worry. Do not feel ashamed. Beyonce shits on a lot of people. You are not alone. There is help. There is hope. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ If one looks in the history of female entertainers they've either fallen into one of two categories: 1. Singers 2. Entertainers. The thinking behind the two groups being either you were singer who couldn't dance or a dancer who couldn't sing. (You wouldn't go to a Whitney Houston concert for dance moves, and you wouldn't go to a Janet Jackson concert for singing) Then came Beyonce, an artist who could sing AND entertain. This made it difficult for the singers because they not only had to struggle to find strong enough songs to compensate for the fact that they were boring live performers, and the entertainers had to find music (or gimmicks) strong enough to compensate for the fact that they couldn't sing worth a damn. Then came Beyonce, and all hell broke loose. As founder, lead-singer, chairman, captain, CEO, and president of Destiny's Child, Beyonce had already proved that she had talent, but no one was expecting Beyonceitis to hit so fast and so hard. Beyonce snuck up behind the music industry, grabbed it by the balls and hasn't let go since. (That is also how she first met Jay-Z, but we'll discuss that on another day) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How do you know if you are infected by Beyonceitis? Here are some warning signs to look for:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Before Beyonceitis crippled her, Ashanti enjoyed a brief period as "The Princess of Hip-Hop Soul", which was an easy title to achieve mainly because: 1. There was no other artists to dispute her at the time. 2. Her record label gave her the title. However on June 24, 2003 at the 3rd Annual BET Awards, Ashanti contracted one of the most severe cases of Beyonceitis when producers decided to put her on after Beyonce. Ashanti tried to step to the stage to perform but Beyonce had already blown it up hours earlier with a now classic rendition of "Crazy In Love". Beyonce's performance that night also exposed every other female artist in the building to a deadly strain of Beyonceitis that some have yet to recover from. Following her exposure to Beyonceitis, Ashanti released her sophmore album Chapter II lead by the single "Rock Wit U (Aww Baby, No Baby, Please Baby, Stop Baby, or whatever the hell that song was called.)" Although Ashanti's 1st week numbers were slightly higher than Beyonce's first week numbers Ashanti's album fell quicker than Michelle on 106 and Park.(in comparison Beyonce's album "Dangerously In Love" remained on the charts a year later.) Ashanti released one more flop of an album, and has not yet full recovered from her bout with Beyonceitis. She is currently in the studio with damn near every big name producer alive right now, but she lacks the live performance skills and overall vocal ability to fully be cured of Beyonceitis. Condition: CRITICAL Diagnosis: Ashanti would make an EXCELLENT host on 106 and Park (I respect their hustle, but Terrence and Rocsi make my ass itch) Can't you just imagine coming home every day to Ashanti counting down your favorite videos? "Hi, Welcome to 106 and Park, today we have some videos that are truly bananas and we have some special guests that are bananas and we have a very bananas audience, overall today's show will just be...bananas!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Although Brandy and Monica duked it out on "The Boy Is Mine" over the title of hottest chick in the game, Beyonce exploded on the scene and Three Stooges-slapped both of them. Although Monica was regarded as one of the best vocalists of her generation, and that raspy thing that Brandy did was kinda cute from 1995 to mid-1998, the average person would not pay $100 to see either of them in concert, and when you are known JUST for singing and not for having any kind of stage presence it is important that all of your albums are on point and properly promoted with STRONG singles. Unfortunately for these two, Beyonceitis has sidetracked both of their careers. While Beyonce was at the top of the charts Brandy's album Afrodisiac, although slightly acclaimed, flopped. She later became a judge on one of those American Idol-ish shows that I never watched and on December 30, 2006 she proved that sometimes Beyonceitis makes your foot heavy. After releasing a warm turd of an album in 2006 Monica kept her name in the spotlight by sending Sears Portraits of her 1-year-old to blogs. Ain't he precious? Condition: SERIOUS Diagnosis: Brandy has to get pass her current legal troubles (If R. Kelly can duck and dodge the law and release 32 albums, Brandy can too. ) Brandy fans have alerted me that Brandy is coming back hard ready to put Beyonce in her place. (Jesus knows my heart and that I really tried to type that with a straight face.) Monica made it clear years ago that she doesn't want to be anybody's idol or "it girl". She works when she wants and takes breaks when she wants (and you gotta respect that) and she can still sing half these chicks under the table. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Although Christina has one of the, um, loudest voices in music, she has not be able to fight the effect of Beyonceitis on her career. Christina caught a bad case of Beyonceitis on August 28, 2003 at the MTV Video Music Awards. Even though Christina kissed Madonna, Beyonce still won all the attention with yet another show-stopping performance. Adding insult to injury Christina won no awards that night (while Beyonce won 3) MTV's cameras didn't show her kiss with Madonna, and Beyonce won the crowd over her raw live performance (instead of a girl-on-girl kiss). Out of jealousy Christina criticized Beyonce in Blender magazine, and months later Christina suffered a relapse of Beyonceitis when her performance at the Grammys went virtually ignored while Beyonce became the first artist to perform on the Grammys twice in one night. Then took home 5 awards, solidifying herself as the queen of the music industry. Christina got the attention she has been looking for the past 8 years, when she got a standing ovation at the 2007 Grammy Awards. It would be less than fair if we didn't point out that Beyonce had a stomach virus, and Christina was singing a song originally sung by James Brown, which tells me that she can't get a standing ovation unless Beyonce is sick and she is singing someone else's song . Overall, despite the fact the Christina has gone out of her way to be cutting-edge and provocative, Beyonceitis has caused the general public to ignore much of what Christina does. Her latest album Back to Basics" did the electric slide down the charts in the U.S. while Beyonce's "B-Day" remained in the Top 10 for months. Her marriage to Joe Whatchamacallit (I honestly don't know his name)was ignored by the press, however everytime Beyonce and Jay make a trip to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles it makes the front page of the newspaper. Condition: FAIR Diagnosis: Christina has a 20 year warranty on her new titties so she'll be around for awhile regardless of whether you're paying attention or not, and we're curious to see her next re-invention. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Janet Jackson, Beyonce, and the Super Bowl In the fall of 2003 producers for the Super Bowl halftime show contacted Beyonce to be a part of Since Janet couldn't sing live to save her life she knew her vocals would not be the highlight, and since she was doing the same dance steps she had been doing for the past 16 years she knew that even her trademark dancing would not save her performance. She needed a quick, cheap gimmick to grab people's attention. She decied to bare her breast. Of course the plan backfired, and Beyonceitis struck Janet -- right in the titty. Janet's first post-Beyonceitis album, "Damita Jo" was suspiciously more urban than her previous one, and it flopped. Two years later she made another album which was promoted as her big comeback album and return to her dance roots. Her man-troll of a boyfriend Jermaine Dupri stated "I don't know where Beyonce will be in 20 years." Although no one knows for sure where Beyonce will end up in 20 years, his girlfriend's album fell off the charts in less than 20 days. With 2 back-to-back flops, Janet has but one strike left. With age and severe vocal limitations as major obstacles, Janet will never be able to return to heyday as the multimedia "it" girl, but she still has a very loyal legion of fans that will pay top-dollar to watch her lip-synch songs from 20 years ago, so touring seems to her best option (Tina Turner and Cher sold out arenas and stadiums well into their 50's and 60's) Condition: SERIOUS Diagnosis: I would still pay to watch her pop her middle-aged cooter, and she still puts on a good show since she has more attitude and swagger than chicks half her age, but I won't slit my wrists if she never releases another album again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After 10 years and no #1 solo hits and only decent albums sales. Mya seemed content on just being adequate and it carried her through 2 albums, but her first album after Beyonceitis struck was the lowest performing of a career already void of blockbuster sales and noteworthy achievements. Her ass may have been like "wo" but sales were like "no". Her 1st single peaked at #13, and the 2nd was a major disappointment, peaking at #51. The album managed to sell just over 500,000 as it glided down the charts. Condition: SERIOUS Diagnosis: New album coming soon! But do you really care? What confuses me is since she has been around so long, and since she can dance, why she didn't try to fill the Aaliyah/Janet spot that Ciara took. I guess the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Commonly referred to as Beyonce Lite, Beyonce Jr. Lil' Beyonce, Beyonce-Mini, or Mini-Bee, Christina's label felt cocky enough to schedule her 1st U.S. album release less than a month after Beyonce's album. So Christina went digging around in Beyonce's wig closet, found one of the old blonde ones from the 'Bootylicious' video, found some short shorts, hitched her titties up, and this new sexy image helped make "Dip It Low" the biggest single of her career. It didn't help her album though. Although the album was nominated for a Grammy, it sold less than 400,000 copies in the U.S. And then Christina got swept up in Hurricane Beyonce and didn't find her way out until her next album, 2006's "So Amazin", which debuted at #11 in the U.S. and has sold a little over 100,000 in the United States and less than 500,000 worldwide. (Even 20 Y.O. sold more than that). Following the flop, she and Def Jam parted ways due to "creative differences". Condition: FAIR Diagnosis: She's a decent actress, so she can have a career in TV and Film. She has a new show coming on the CW this fall, called "Eight Days a Week", plus she is writing a book which I heard will be the greatest literary masterpiece since "Foolish/Unfoolish: Reflections on Love" by Ashanti. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Let's just state the obvious. You will probably always think of Kelly as Beyonce's sidekick, and yes, her album has been pushed back further than Rihanna's hairline, but Kelly has more talent to be known simply as one of the "them" in "Beyonce and them" . Although her 1st solo album was released before Beyonce's 1st solo album, it debuted at #12 on the charts in the U.S. and took no time sliding down the charts. It was more of a success overseas but time it was certified gold in the United States Beyonce released "Dangerously In Love" and Kelly once again took a backseat to Beyonce. Condition: FAIR Diagnosis: Kelly may lack Beyonce's showmanship, but anyone who saw the Destiny's Fullfilled Tour in 2005 would see that her confidence as a live performer improved 110%. She has a strong enough voice to be successful with the selection of the right material. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Following the release of her well-polished and well-produced 1st album, Amerie seemed on track to be...something, although we were not sure what. Her 2nd album was lead by the single "One Thing" and that "one thing" was the only thing the general public cared about from that album. The album sank quickly without a strong follow-up single. Condition: FAIR Diagnosis: Amerie has released another album "Because I Love It" overseas. She may have not have the strongest voice in R&B, but she uses it as furiously and frantiacally as she can so she can never be accused of totally copying Beyonce's style. And it doesn't hurt that she's one of the best dressed in the industry. Now is the time for her label to start creating a strong buzz for the album in the United States because the success or failure of this album can make or break her career. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Despite 3 albums in 2 years and 4 hit singles, Rihanna hadn't really done anything to prove that she wasn't just another Beyonce copycat, with no stage presence, whose success was based on great marketing, and hot producers. But she has one thing that only Beyonce has: Jay-Z. Condition: GOOD DIAGNOSIS: Hair dye+eyeliner+eh-eh-eh=#1 single. Her recent live performances have improved, (especially in comparison to the one she gave at the World Music Awards where she was booed . ) She's still no Beyonce on stage. As for her vocals, Iet's just say I wouldn't ask her to sing a solo at the church Women's day service, but she has found a style and sound to distract from her limitiations, and you have to respect that. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ There are several myths about Beyonceitis. This section of the article will discuss several rmyths and why they are not true. Myth #1 - Beyonce wears wigs. Fact: Although Beyonce has more wigs than she does clean panties, saying Beyonce wears wigs has little power because Black female entertainers have been wearing wigs since Tina was rolling on the river with Ike. Myth #2 Beyonce Doesn't Dance, All She Does is Shake Her Ass Fact: Beyonce jiggles her asscheeks better than Diamond did in the Player's Club, but we should move out of our thinking about what constitutes a "good dancer". Not all dancing involves being stiff and robotic. The dancing from Africa hundreds of years ago emphasized the hips, and the bottom, it wasn't stiff. Does that mean that isn't good dancing? Dancing came be stiff and synchronized, it can also be fluid and expressive and from the heart. Myth #3 Beyonce is Overexposed. She should Sit Down and Give (insert name of your favorite artist) a chance to shine. Fact: This is admitting that your artist can't succeed unless Beyonce is gone. This is like going back 15 years ago and telling Michael Jordan to sit out a season so that other teams could win. It is also believed that once Beyonce takes a break that Beyonceitis will be cured, however Beyonce has fucked up the industry so much, that artists will always be compared to her, and her name will always be bought up in topics, even ones that don't have anything to do with her. Myth #4 - Beyonce Wouldn't Be Successful if She Weren't Light-Skinned with Long/Blond Hair''' Fact: Only fat, ugly, bald-headed dark-skinned people say this. People only complain about stereotypes when they don't work to their advantage. Sometimes in our quest to be so afro-centric we end up being hypocritical. We criticize those who have European features and attributes but in doing that we are telling young light-skinned children that they are somehow not as "Black" as someone with darker skinner or natural hair and we reduce an entire race of people into a hairstyle and a skin tone, when we are obviously much more complex than that. Myth #5-Beyonce is Hot Right Now But She'll Never Be An Icon Like (insert name of artist who was hot 15-20 years ago but can't give their albums away today) Fact: Even if Beyonce never sells another record, even if she quits the industry and decides she wants to spend the remainder of days sexing up Jay and having about 5 or 6 of his big-headed children, even if she never does another thing ever, Beyonce has cemented her status an icon because years from it will be her music that will be the soundtrack to this time and era. People will study her music, her videos, her fashion, her entire persona and she will represent this time because she encompasses all that was great in every iconic female entertainer before her. She is the bridge that connects their era to our era, so because of that Beyonce IS an icon. And please remember, just because you were the first doesn't mean you were the best. Myth #6-Beyonce Uses Her Body To Sell Music. Fact: So What? Women have been slinging pussy to sell music years before Beyonce was even a sperm cell in Matthew's scrotum. Beyonce has a great body and she shows it off. What seperates Beyonce from the rest of the artists is that Beyonce is just as compelling covered up as she is wearing skimpy clothes. She can dry hump the stage on MTV then put on a more conservative/tasteful outfit to sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. You take away the skimpy clothes and you still have a great voice and a great live performer. She proves that you can be sexy without letting the sex oversaturate your music.
Myth #6-Jennifer Hudson Upstaged Beyonce Fact:I can talk about Beyonce all day without bringing up Jennifer Hudson. But you can't talk about Jennifer Hudson, Ciara, Ashanti, Rihanna, Janet, or damn near any other female artist without Beyonce's name magically apperearing in the topic. That proves what was stated at the beginning, how Beyonce has ingrained her self into our collective consciouses to the point where we can't even have discussions without bringing name into it. If you claim to be a fan of Jennifer Hudson, you do her a disservice when you take her performance in Dreamgirls and her awards into reduce them into a cat fight or as a slight against Beyonce. Doing that proves the first point which is Beyonce has taken over so much that everything somehow leads back to her. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This section will attempt to clarify myths about Beyonce fans. Myth #1 - All gay men like Beyonce. Fact - Although there are a lot of jubilant young men singing various Beyonce songs into their web cams on YouTube, not ALL gay men like Beyonce. Only attractive gay men like Beyonce. Myth #2 - Beyonce speaks for all women. Fact - Not one person can be the spokesperson for all women. So to clarify, Beyonce speaks for good-looking women. In order to relate to a Beyonce song you would have to be reasonably attractive since these songs take place in the life of an extremely attractive person. Gorilla-faced females may be turned off by some of the lyrics. When you look like this, you have a hard enough time trying to find a man to let you order off McDonald's $1 Menu, so you wouldn't know a lot about "six-star pentsuites" and "freakum dresses". Myth #3 - All fans are stans. Fact - A stan is someone thinks the sun rises and sets on Beyonce's asscrack, and that she can do no wrong, and that she is ruler of the universe, and that her shit smells like Krispy Kreme donuts and cinnamon. A fan can enjoy her and her talent and work, but still see the flaws and room for improvement and laugh about them. You don't worship your family and best friends. You laugh and tease them sometimes but you still love them at the end of the day. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Artists Who Have Survived Beyonceitis Several artists have managed to survive despite the spread of Beyonceitis. This section will highlight a few. Ciara Since Aaliyah has died and Janet Jackson is one album flop away from taking Paula Abdul's chair on American Idol, there is a void for an artist with limited vocal ability, intricate dance moves, and innovative videos. Ciara is quickly filling that spot. Although her first album was a hit, Ciara is just now realizing how powerful music videos can be to artists who aren't the best vocalists, but can still pop, lock, and drop it. Although they were not smashes on the singles charts the videos for her latest singles "Promise" and "Like a Boy" were arguably two of the most inventive videos in recent memory. Although Ciara lacks Beyonce's vocal range, and will probably never be able to shake the rumors that she was born with a nutsack, she should be able to control the effect of Beyonceitis on her career as long as she keeps dancing and keeps her breasts in her training bra. Mary J. Blige Mary's first album after Beyonceitis was "Love and Life" her happiest album to date. Someone also told Mary that it was good idea to dance in her video although she has a limited amount of rhythm. The album yielded no hits and quickly fell off the charts mainly because no one wants to party with Mary J. Blige. They would rather her sing her trademark "I-love-him-he-don't-love-me-I'm-so-tired-of crying" songs. When she returned to the formula that made her famous she had what many considered the best year of her 14-year career. She had her longest running #1 "Be Without You" and won her first televised Grammy. Mariah Carey Mariah's first album after Beyonceitis overtook the industry was the best-selling album of the year, and heralded as her great comeback to the top of the charts. Despite a few shitty live performances, Mariah seemed unfazed by Beyonceitis and like Mary J. Blige, Mariah realized sometimes it's best to stick with what made you famous, however, video of her attempting to dance at one of her concerts leaked on YouTube. And Jesus wept. Beyonce Yes, even Beyonce caught Beyonceitis. If you recall 'Deja Vu' wasn't quite the summer anthem she hoped it would be, and no one really wanted to 'Ring the Alarm' either. Now at this point your label would have dropped you and you would be serving MooLattes at the Diary Queen with Tierra Mari, but this is Beyonce we're talking about. Irreplaceble was a #1 hit for 10 weeks, and Beyonce released 10 videos and there were at least 3 Beyonce songs on the charts at any given time. Whether you liked "B-Day" or not, Beyonce made sure you saw and heard it everywhere. Alicia Keys Aside from the fact that Alicia has sold a lot of records and actually writes her own music, I get annoyed when people compare the two. They're apples and oranges. They have two obviously different and disctinctive styles. Whether one is better than the other is up for debate. Beyonce probably couldn't do "Fallin'" exactly the same way Alicia could, and you probably wouldn't buy Alicia doing "Freakum Dress" (or in her case Freakum Pantsuit). Different is good. We need variety and we love Alicia, which is why I'm willing to overlook this very Sasha-ish peformance. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ There currently is no cure for Beyonceitis other than to actually have some kind of musical talent, and now that producers have totally taken over the music industry there is little need for artists that can sing or have any kind of showmanship. Record companies are not looking for singers or entertainers anymore. They just need cute faces to put on album covers. Since producers have become so prolific even people with little to no musical ability at all can have hit songs and catchy albums (see: Cassie, Paris Hilton). The main reason is that if you have a great singer on the track that will take all the attention away from the hot beat. There will more than likely be no artist to match the impact Beyonce has had on music and popular culture. You would have to have her talent, her work ethic, her vocal ability, her live performance skills, her sex appeal, and, most importantly, her wig collection. Artists have three options in fighting Beyonce. 1. Release an album the same time she does and take an embarrassing ass-whooping. 2. Wait until she goes away to release their albums. 3. Actually be musically compelling enough to stay on the charts and stay relevant. Does this mean that you have dance and shake your ass to be a great live performer? No. There are plenty of singers who are electrifying with just their a microphone and a hot band (SEE: Jill Scott, Erykah Badu) Does screaming at the top of your lungs make you a great singer? No. There are plenty of great singer with more subtle but powerful voices (SEE: Sade, Corrine Bailey Rae), but if you can't sing without the help of Autotune or pre-recorded vocals then there is a problem. Singing and dancing at the same time is difficult, but if you can't even sing live while sitting down, then there's a problem. The most powerful way to fight Beyonceitis is when Beyonce learns the meaning of the words "sit down". Beyonce has been a fast-moving ball of weave and destruction since 2003. After she wraps her 2007 tour this fall Beyonce plans to take time off before pursuing her next film and music projects. Several far less talented acts have decided to use this time to release their albums so expect new music from a number of second rate talent all hoping to get some attention while Beyonce is in hibernation. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Please keep checking this site as we track the epidemic that is Beyonceitis and attempt to study and investigate how Beyonceitis has become so widespread. If you or someone you love suffers from Beyonceitis, or you would just like further information, please join our online Beyonceitis Support Group.
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the halftime show. Beyonce decided that since she had already clapped her asscheeks on MTV and BET, it was now time to be classy, and show people that she could sing, so she decided to sing the National Anthem. Producers then offered the halftime show to Janet Jackson. Midway through rehearsing the halftime show it occurred to Janet that this would be the most important performance of her career and she would need to do something memorable similar to what Beyonce had did on the MTV and BET awards. 
