HISTORY OF BEYONCEITS

This story begins with man named Matthew and a woman named Tina. They were in love. One night God directed Matthew to the local ABC store and that night over a bottle of Wild Turkey (or Cold Duck, depending on who you ask) they consummated their love. They had wild, nasty, sweaty monkey sex. 9 months later our savior was born. Her birth was quite a spectacle. As Baby Beyonce made her grand entrance out of Tina's womb, there was a 10-piece band playing Stevie Wonder's "Isn't She Lovely" and as soon as Beyonce's head peeked through Tina's vajayjay there were fireworks which shot in the air and spelled "BEYONCE!". Matthew, always the hustler, knew his daughter would be special so he sold tickets to the birth of Beyonce for $50 a piece. For $400 you could get the Gold Package and you got to take pictures with Tina and Baby Beyonce, and you could also take home a piece of the umbilical cord as a souvenir. Tickets, of course sold out, but for those who couldn't make it Matthew taped the whole birth for release on VHS and Betamax.

Although Beyonce grew up with a loving family in upper-middle class Houston life for Beyonce wasn't easy. In school a bunch of the uglier, less talented kids ganged up on her and picked on her because she was so gorgeous and talented and all that shit. During this time Beyonce gained the strength to overcome those who doubted her. One day Matthew discovered that Beyonce could sing. Those who were there that day said they actually saw dollar signs in his eyes, like literally, dollar signs. From that moment on Tina and Matthew worked tirelessly to help their daughter achieve her dream of one day becoming the baddest chick in the game. Matthew still had Crown Royal bags full of quarters from when he was 16 so he figured he would be good with money, so he appointed himself as Beyonce's manager, and Tina's cousin owned Patti's Palace of Polyester, so she got the hookup on some sweet discounts on the latest man-made fabrics; she appointed herself as Beyonce's wardrobe stylist. As manager it was Matthew's job to find the best opportunities for his daughter, and as wardrobe stylist it was Tina's job to ensure that her daughter was always dresssed in the best tacky that her sewing machine could create.

I would like to DVD skip the parts where Beyonce was in Destiny's Child, you know that story. Kelly, Michelle, Farrah, T-Boz, whoever. Members left. Beyonce went solo. What you don't know is that Beyonce is on good terms with all former members of Destiny's Child. Her and LeTavia and LeToya reconciled years ago at the Cheesecake Factory in Atlanta. Beyonce was knee-deep in hot wings and LeTavia and LeToya saw her and decided that it was time to put an end to their feud. Beyonce saw them approaching with their arms stretched out for a hug and thought they were trying to attack her and so she bodyslammed them both. She broke a couple of tables and LeTavia walked with a limp for about 6 months, but once they cleared up the misunderstanding they forgave each other and today they are on good terms. Beyonce is even on good terms with Farrah, she gave Farrah huge tip when Farrah waited on her table at Ruby Tuesday's. Which really shows how kind and compassionate Beyonce is.