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September 4, 2007 Happy Birthday!!! Greetings Haters, Stans, and those in between. I am recovering from a wild weekend on the west coast, but more on that later. First I would like to say happy birthday to the hottest chick in the game. I'm sure you're all wondering, "What do you give a woman who has more money than I will ever see in my lifetime?" Well I'm sure with the kind of busy life Beyonce has, she really doesn't want any expensive gifts, so she'll take today to enjoy the simple things in life. The joy of sleeping late, the joy of a going shopping. The joy of changing her nephew's diaper, the joy of changing Jay's diaper. The smell of her mother's cooking , the smell of Jay's Bengay...ok I'm done. Jay was planning a huge multimillion dollar birthday party for Beyonce this week, but that money had to go towards bail money for Solange and Baby Daniel. I don't want to get too deep into what happened but I'll just say that Daniel Sr. was late with the child support payments, and sometimes, when your baby's father is slow with those court ordered checks, every now and then you gotta go in the back of the closet and pull out that baseball bat and bust out all the windows in his mother's car. Jay used all of the money he set aside for the party to bail them out of jail. Now Jay is mad that there's no party because now he gets no birthday ass, and Beyonce's upset cause she had planned to cancel the party and put all of the money toward the wig fund for her third album. Happy birthday anyway... DVD Taping As you may or may not know, this weekend's Beyonce Experience show in Los Angeles was taped for DVD release and possible TV airing. Kelly and the other one came out during 'Survivor', and Jay was wheeled out to do 'Upgrade U' and at the end Beyonce threw up the ROC sign, and Jay got excited threw his walker in the air, then his hip gave out and they had to call the paramedics. Baby Daniel did "Crank that Big Bird" while Jay was being carted off in the ambulance. Celebrities in the crowd included Magic Johnson, Samuel L. Jackson, Megan Good, and Rhianna. Usher was also there with his new bride. They enjoyed the show from a private suite. After the show, Usher came backstage and Beyonce bought him to her male dancers dressing room. She would have stayed and kicked it with them but she had to go slap Solange for not properly brushing one of her wigs. Beyonce was gone for less than 5 minutes and when she came back all her male dancers and Usher were ass-naked on the floor. The whole room smelled like baby oil and butt-crack. Beyonce tried to pry them apart but she slipped in all the greasiness that happens in a situation like this. So she had to turn a water hose on them to get them off each other. The DVD is slated to be released in January. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FHAB Meeting A source told me that several R&B female artists are coming together and are planning to kidnap Beyonce at this Sunday's MTV Video Music Awards. Several of these artists met this weekend to go over their plan. Here is an excerpt from that meeting: Ashanti: I would like to call to order this meeting of FHAB, Famous Haters Against Beyonce. Is everyone here? Amerie? Amerie: Here. Ashanti: Janet? Janet: Here. Ashanti: KeKe Wyatt KeKe: Here, and I can sing better than Beyonce. Ashanti: Ok, that's good to know even though nobody asked you. Ashanti: Has anybody seen Mya? Amerie: Umm, her cell phone was cut off, and the manager at Target says she no longer works there. Ashanti: Jennifer Hudson, why are you here? You have talent! Jennifer: I heard there was cake. KeKe: I can cut it for you. I can cut cake BETTER THAN BEYONCE! Ashanti: Thank you KeKe. After you cut the cake please put the knife back where you found it. Ashanti: As we all know, Beyonce is continuing to shit on us on a daily basis. I was suppose to have the single of the summer with "Switch" and now that nobody cares about it I have to pretend that it was just a buzz single. I don't even know when my album is coming out. Amerie's album has been pushed back again, and Mya's album may not come out at all. Beyonce's unborn children's albums have release dates but we can't get ours released! SHE MUST BE STOPPED! All of our plans to get rid of Beyonce have failed. Janet: I honestly didn't think she would last this long. When she performed at the Super Bowl, I took my titty out and shook it around a little hoping it would steal all the attention away from her. Ashanti: And what happened? Janet: That didn't work out quite the way I thought it would... Amerie: Yes, I put Vaseline on the bottom of her shoes at her Orlando show, and she did slip and fall but that heffa got right back up and started spinning and rotating that wig. I don't even think she's human. She's evil! PURE EVIL! She must be stopped! Ashanti: OK, as we know the MTV awards are coming up. None of us have sold an album since 2002, so Jennifer you are the only person who has been invited to the show so we need your help with this plan. Jennifer: Do I get cake? Ashanti: Nevermind all that. At around 7PM Beyonce will arrive. At around 8PM, Beyonce will head backstage to meanmug Rhianna. At 8:05PM we need you to lure her out in the parking lot with a pork chop and cheese sandwich, me and Amerie will sneak up and tie her up, Imma see if I can borrow my mom's Astrovan, and we will put her in the back and knock her out. While she's passed out we will drop her off in the middle of the desert in Saudi Arabia. Assuming she doesn't get too frisky with the camels, I'm estimating that it will take her about a month to escape. During this time we will try to release our albums without her upstaging us. We have 3 release dates in October since Alicia Keys is coming on the 23rd and will probably shit on us too. I will take October 9. Ok, Who wants Ocotber 16? Janet: I want Ocotber 16. Amerie: Why do you get October 16? Janet: Excuse me, I did Rhythm Nation, OK! My brother did Thriller! I am a legend dammit! I am a Jackson! And now I have to sleep with a Midget Monkeyman just to stay relevant! I am 41 years old! I AM TOO DAMN OLD TO BE FUCKING FOR TRACKS!!! Ashanti: Ok, Janet, calm down. Have some cake. Jennifer: NO! MY CAKE! (slaps Janet) Ashanti: Jennifer that cake was for everybody! See this is why we can't even get our albums released. We're too busy arguing, fighting, eating, and stabbing to get anything accomplished. And Beyonce is still shitting on us. We need to focus. (TO BE CONTINUED...) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NOT HER GOODIES Last week, Beyonce and her lovely mother Celestine attended the MAGIC Fashion Convention in Las Vegas, since they will rarely pass an opportunity to sling Dereon, House of Dereon, Dereon Plus, Dereon Junior, and whatever other fashion lines they have out this week. Beyonce and her mother denied claims that Beyonce had a wardrobe malfunction in Toronto two weeks and insist Beyonce was wearing a flesh-toned bra. Tina: We've been doing this for awhile. Do you really think we'd be stupid enough not to put a bra underneath her. Beyonce always dresses classy. I have been a fashion designer for almost 30 years now and even when we didn't have the designer dresses, even when I was dressing Destiny's Child in cut-up curtains I stole from the Motel 6, they were always covered up and classy! Interviewer: Is it true that you use animal fur in your clothing line? Tina: We don't use as much fur as people think we do. People would be surprised at how little fur we ACTUALLY use in the line. Interviewer: So no possum fur, no bird feathers? Tina: Honey, the only bird in the House of Dereon is that Grey Goose, cause Miss Tina likes to get loose. At this point in the interview Tina starts doing a very inappropriate dance and Beyonce has to escort her mother out of the convention to
August 30, 2007 MALAYSIA: NASTY, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON Beyonce will take October off to swing on Jay's scrotum for about a month, but will return on tour in November for a series of concerts in exotic locations like Egypt, China, India, Turkey, Russia, Ethiopia, Batswana, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Zamunda, the South Pole, and Antarctica (don't hate, Eskimos like to get bodied too!). There's a little controversy about her scheduled November 1 concert in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. There are very strict guidelines in Malaysia about what female performers can and cannot do on stage including: No jumping, no throwing things into the audience, and no shouting (Beyonce does all three in her show). Also, female performers must be covered from their shoulders to their knees which means NO freakum dresses, NO fleshtone bodysuits, NO hot pants, and NO House of Dereon spandex catsuits with the asscheeks cut out. Translation: NO FUN AT ALL! :( I'm sure Beyonce and her mother are creative enough to design outfits to meet the strict rules of Malaysia, but just in case they need help, here is how other performers have handled those rules:
Mariah Carey performed in Malaysia to a sold-out stadium of 40,000+ in 2003. A group of Muslim students tried to get the show cancelled calling saying that Mariah was "sexy, unacceptable and almost vulgar", even though Mariah agreed to wear less revealing attire. Gwen Stefani said she made a "huge sacrifice" by performing in Malaysia this year, nonetheless she covered up for her show. Kanye West is not known for following rules. During his April 2007 show in Malaysia he ignored the rules and wore the dresses that he normally wears in his concerts and reportedly said "Malaysia Doesn't Care About Cross-Dressing People". Here's a photo taken after Kanye's concert:
August 28, 2007 WEEKLY NEWSLETTER VOL. 1 Because there is a lot going on in the world of Beyonce, even the strongest stan has a hard time keeping track of everything she does. Every apperance, every performance, every interview, everytime she farts, ect... So if you've been under a rock, or in the county lock-up, or if you have a life and don't have to time to spend 16 hours a day visiting Google news every 5 minutes, I would like to update you on what happened in the world of Beyonka. First things first, I would like to let you know that you DO NOT like Beyonce this week. I know you don't have a mind of your own and are not quite sure how you feel about Beyonce, and therefore you need message boards, blogs and websites to tell you how you feel about her. So this week you DID NOT like her. Next week you WILL like her, and then the following you will be indifferent towards her in honor of Labor Day. Here's what you may have missed this week: Celestine on HSN The week started with Beyonce's mammy Celestine (Tina, for you simple folks) on the Home Shopping Network selling her new clothing line . I'm not sure if I was high or if something was wrong with my Comcast service but the line sold very well and very quickly. All jokes aside she has a few nice-looking things that your Grandmother would love to rock at Thursday night Bingo or on the bus ride during the church's annual trip to King's Dominion. Anyway the highlight of the Miss Tina's appearance was when her child (the famous one) called to support her mother. Yes, Beyonce called in to congratulate her mother on her new line. I think the conversation went something like this: HSN Host: And what is this item? Tina: This is a Lepoard-Print pantsuit, with squirrel-skin trim and a hoodie that zips off. The great thing about this pantsuit is that the squirrel-skin is totally removable so you can wear this in the office, and the pants are held together by Velcro, so when you leave the office you can rip them off and head over to the club, and another great thing about the zebraskin hot-pants underneath the pantsuit is that they are crotch-less, giving your poon air to breath which is a problem for a lot of plus-sized women because all the fabric and the fatty folds suffocates the poon-region so all the clothes in the MIss Tina collection are crotchless so that your cooter gets the proper amount of oxygen. I thought very hard about this and I made this line for plus-sized women in mind, for example Jennifer Hudson. HSN Host: And I think we have a very special caller on the line, it's your daughter! Tina: (whispers) Tell her I'm not here! HSN Host: Well Tina we're live on TV so she sees you, plus it's Beyonce not Solange! TIna: Oh, hey baby, fruit of my loins, light of my life, signer of my checks, how are you? Beyonce: I'm good. I just called to congratulate you on your new clothing line. Everything looks wonderful and I would totally buy everything on here! Mama you look so cute with your business hair on! You better do it! Tina: Thank you honey! Beyonce: Also I called to ask you where the remote control is to the tv? Tina: Beyonce we're on live TV. Beyonce: Oh we on live TV! So everybody can hear me as I talk? Oh well I wanna give a shout-out to Shonda, Tosha, Kelly, Ty, everybody in Houston, Lil TeeTee, Big Shank, Baby Daniel, and to my baby Jay I LUH YOU!!! TIna: Beyonce get your simple ass off the phone! I don't remember what happened next because I kind of passed out, but congratulations to Miss Tina!!! Toronto Flash Don't you hate when friends you've known for a long time betray you! Beyonce success has come with the help of two very important friends, no not Kelly and Michelle, but Lacefront and Wind-Machine. These two things have helped Beyonce become the global diva that she is today, and I am saddened to report that they have turned their backs on her. First Beyonce's lacefront got angry and attacked her in concert:
Then, last week in Toronto Beyonce's wind-machine stabbed her in the back and blew her shirt up which may or may not have exposed her fun bags. It's hard to see if that is real titty-meat or a flesh-toned bra. I wish I knew why this is news... New Album Beyonce announced this week that she will return to the studio in December to begin work on her third album. "VaginaSparkle" I myself have mixed feelings about this, but I'm starting to think that Beyonce is like that bus in Speed, like if she slows down she'll explode or something, so I will not fight this, she clearly knows something I don't know. Credible sources told me (by credible sources I mean I'm just assuming or I read it on a message board) that she is entering the studio quickly so that she can be done with her contract with Sony: 2003 - Dangerously In Love After her contract is up she will end her relationship with Jay-Z, and Matthew will be sent to a nursing home, Tina will enter a rehab facility to help curb her addiction to Bedazzlers, all wig crypt employees will be freed, and Beyonce and Justin Timberlake will move to South Africa where they will spend the rest of their lives creating many musical masterpieces and talented, bi-racial children. Or so I heard... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Rivalry Rumor This week Rhianna cleared up any rumors that she and Beyonce are beefing. She denies that they got into a fistfight in the parking lot after the BET Awards, but admit that have settled their differences with each other. In an interview Rhianna says: “She's definitely not the enemy, it's not a competition. At first we did not get along. She specifically did not want me around Jay. She was on the set of "Umbrella" to make sure that me and Jay did not shoot any scenes together, and as soon as I showed up she was like "Turn the cameras off! Jay get your shit it's time to go." and then she destroyed the cameras and the videotapes so no footage of me and Jay would be seen together. If you notice, me and Jay did NOT appear on stage together at the same time at the MTV Movie Awards, Beyonce was there to make sure of that. Then after the show I confronted her about it and I said "Look, I don't see no damn wedding ring on your finger so you need to chill out before I walk away with your man." Then she didn't say anything for awhile, then next thing I know she pulls out pistol out from underneath her wig and shoots me in the foot. Then she said "Let's see how far you walk away now with a bullet in your foot, ho!"
Although the bullet is still in her foot Rhianna is expected to be back and dancing as awkardly as she was before the shooting. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- August 1, 2007 BEYONCE TO DEBUT NEW SINGLE AT VMAs We can confirm now that Beyonce will debut her brand-new single at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards on September 9. The same source who gave us news on "Worldwide" has confirmed that Beyonce will take to the stage to perform the first single from new album "Worldwide". The song is an up-tempo club banger called "Dick and Balls". "'Dick and Balls' is very special to me", Beyonce says. "I've gotten a lot of criticism that my music isn't "deep" so for my next project I told myself that I would dig deeper. I was looking for that song to take me to the next level, I was looking for the song that would change my sound, and I couldn't find it, then one day 'Dick and Balls' just hit me in the face. It was there there the whole time, I just had to go deep inside myself and pull it out." "I wrote "Dick and Balls" all by myself in 30 seconds.", Beyonce says. "But I also had a little help from my sister Solange. And Kelly, Michelle, LeToya, Baby Daniel, Sean Garret, my cousin Angie, Bea Arthur, who played Dorothy on the Golden Girls, the cast of Good Times, my 3rd grade art teacher. Oh, and Ne-Yo helped a little also. Although Beyonce has been accused of making songs just for women she says that 'Dick and Balls' is a celebration of a man and his gifts to a woman. Beyonce says: "To me "Dick and Balls' is the celebration of love, life, and romance, and spirit, and freedom, racial equality, deep $h!t like that." "Dick and Balls" was produced by Swizz Beatz, and although he has crafted such Beyonce bangers as "Check On It" and "Get Me Bodied" he admits he was a little nervous to offer Beyonce "Dick and Balls" "I didn't know how she would react to it because it's so different than anything she's ever done before.", Swizz says. "It sounds so different. I didn't know how she would handle "Dick and Balls" so I called Jay-Z and told him to listen to it and get his opinion on it because he knows her the best. So we changed a few things around, and me and Jay spent a couple of days in the studio just messing around with "Dick and Balls" until we felt good about it. Then we called Beyonce and she played around with "Dick and Balls" until she felt comfortable." As with a lot of Beyonce's other songs, several remixes are planned. She called recently married, 100% heterosexual R&B megastar Usher to sing a duet version of the song, and he was more than happy to jump on "Dick and Balls" "I LOVE "Dick and Balls" Usher says. "It's the kind of song that just makes you feel good, and it's a beautifully written song, something that challenged me as a singer. People know me as a great entertainer but I was looking for something that I could sink my teeth into vocally, and I can really sink my teeth into "Dick and Balls." Don't forget to catch Beyonce performing "Dick and Balls" live at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas. September 9 at 9PM EST. Beyonce is the leading female entertainer of generation. She was the first African-American woman to win ASCAP's songwriter of the year award, and she was the first artist in history ever to sing a song with "Freakum" in the title. She has won 10 Grammys, a Golden Globe nomination, and although this isn't relevant to anything, she could probably beat your mom in a slap-boxing match. July 24, 2007 BEYONCE TO RELEASE 12 ALBUMS IN 2008 EXCLUSIVE NEWS ABOUT BEYONCE'S NEXT ALBUM!!! January 1, 2008 - World Wide I (or WWI) Beyonce will shoot a video for each song (300 videos in all, each song will be re-done in Spanish, and 50 will be re-shot in Swahili) And she will shoot a movie for each album starring as her alter-ego Sasha. In keeping with the Worldwide Theme of the album Beyonce will visit 12 countries a month to promote the album. She is also having a special contest to give away free tickets to a concert. Starting in November, if you visit your local Kim's Korean Hair Care, if you find the OFFICIAL Beyonce Blonde lacefront wig in the store, you will win front-row tickets to her concert. We guarantee that this concert will be so hot, you may leave the show on FIRE!!! Because Beyonce is such a kind and generous person, she will be visiting third world countries in Africa to pass out water, food, medical supplies, and slightly worn lacefronts and freakum dresses, because, as Beyonce says, "water and food are cool, but every now and then, when your country is poor and in the middle of a civil war, sometimes you have to go in the back of your closet and pull out that freakum dress." Keeping with her tradition of giving new talent an opportunity, for the WorldWide World Tour 2008 Beyonce wants an all-gay band. That's right an all-gay band. She will be looking for the most talented and energetic gay male musicians to go out on the road with her. She needs the following musicians: - 1 Drummer She will be holding auditions in Atlanta-only. She figured that in Atlanta all she had to do was play "Get Me Bodied" on a crowded street and the all-gay band would form itself. As with all of her other tours, Beyonce will be offering Gold Packages For the low price of $12,000, fans will be able to wave directly at Beyonce as she waves back at them from her tour bus. You will not be allowed to touch her or come near her, as we have discovered that some of you don't wear deodorant at these meet and greets. Also, no photos and videos will be taken at the concerts, as we have found that people post things on YouTube, even when Beyonce asks them not to. Go figure. People who buy the Gold Package will also receive an EXCLUSIVE gift-bag which includes: a bag of Skittles, a bar of Irish Spring soap, 2 loose Newports, $300 worth unsold House of Dereon clothing, and 20 unsold copies of "Miss Kelly". Fans will be able to pre-order all 12 albums on the following dates: -September 4, 2007 Beyonce's not trying to compete or overshadow, it's merely a coincidence that her pre-order date falls on the same day as other singers' album releases. A DVD-CD re-release will be done for each of the 12 albums, and DVDs will be sold from each of the 120 concerts that Beyonce will perform on tour. So in all in 2008 Beyonce will release: 24 albums We will keep you posted about any updates that we recieve or you could just wait for official press releases or statements from Beyonce's publicist instead of using Wikipedia, blogs, or message boards as credible sources. |
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